Dear Loretta,
I must seek your advice about physical exercise. What is a healthy amount of exercise for us smooshed face breeds? Given our breathing difficulties and awkward bone structure, is it appropriate for my parents to expect me to run up seven flights of stairs several times a day? Also, how do you keep such a girlish figure, especially considering that horrible procedure we had to undergo to prevent us from becoming mothers?
Lovingly,
Stella Leonard
Black Pug
15 lbs. and gaining
Dear Stella (aka BEST FRIEND!),
First off, you must remember that self-image is vital to self-confidence. Do not be swayed by the horrible media forces that try to convince you thinner is better. They’re horrible! Horrible! You must exercise for fun and health. How you look is irrelevant.
Besides, I have it on good authority that at least one elder pug finds you “super hot, especially with that harness” (his words).
Now then, an exercise regimen is a personal thing, but I enjoy 20-30 minutes of Ball Game per day. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m forced to only enjoy 20-30 minutes of Ball Game. If I had my druthers, I’d play for six to eight hours. My Dad isn’t fond of this because he believes extended Ball Game will lead to rotator cuff surgery (for him, not me — I don’t know if I actually have rotator cuffs). My Dad’s kind of a wuss that way.
I don’t think it is AT ALL appropriate for someone as gorgeous as you to run up seven flights of stairs. Not at all! You, Friend, deserve to be lifted to your penthouse apartment in a custom-made elevator. Preferably one with lots of places to pee. Besides, stairs have no health value whatsoever. Anyone telling you otherwise is selling something.
So, in conclusion, you should convince your parents to adopt Ball Game as your exercise of choice. And don’t let anyone tell you you’re chunky. You’re beautiful, Friend, absolutely beautiful and gorgeous — JUST LIKE ME!
Signed,
Loretta your Best Friend and Life Coach
