February 2018 – Smooshed Face

Budgie Break In

Earlier this morning, at 9:15 a.m, Blanche the Bulldog was going to her girl- puppy- human’s room to enjoy her early morning sunbathing ritual on her puppy-human’s bed. When she entered her sunbathing room, she was in for a nasty surprise. Two birds had broken into her room and were taking over the place!

Blanche bravely assessed the situation of the bird break in. From the start, Blanche had many questions, but her biggest was, “How the heck did they get in here? I have only ever seen birds outside my home.” Said Blanche the Bulldog, “And I have never seen birds quite like this before, so I knew I must be careful, in case they had some kind of evil plan.”

For weeks Blanche had been noticing odd objects appearing in her girl-puppy-human’s room. First, they were small, like a wooden ladder, but then, bigger things started popping up and when a cage appeared on the dresser, Blanche knew that she should prepare for herself, but she never suspected two birds!

Blanche bravely leapt onto her sunbathing bed and watched the two bird intruders. “They were showing of their colorful feathers and making little chirps at me. What show offs!” said Blanche the Bulldog.

“I was about to take matters into my own paws and banish the two squawking show offs when my girl-puppy-human came into my sunbathing room and shooed me right out the door!” said Blanche the Bulldog. Blanche waited patiently by the door so that she could get rid of the two break in birds but her girl-puppy-human never let her get a chance, she even closed her door so that no one could get in and banish the birds.

“Humans are so strange,” said Blanche. “Whenever you try to do something for them, they never let you get the chance.”

The two birds are still hidden behind the door but Blanche will continue to try to find a way to banish the squawking menaces so that her sunbathing room will be peaceful once again.

Racky and the Meaning of Valentine’s Day

Racky and Stella Valentine's Day

If you want to know all about Valentine’s Day I’m the pug to talk to. I know everything there is to know about Valentine’s Day. Many people have asked me what the meaning of Valentine’s Day is. Is it when you get stung by the bee that you didn’t know was in the flower you picked for your date? Yes, kind of. Is it when you accidentally poo in your true love’s water dish thinking it was a toilet? Yes, partly. Is it when you attack the TV in front of your date when you think there’s a lion in there and you try to protect her but instead you give yourself a minor concussion? Unfortunately, yes. Valentine’s Day is a day to be with your true love but it is also a day to make a complete fool of yourself in front of your date. But I had to learn that the hard way.

For Valentine’s Day I knew exactly who I wanted to ask out. She’s the most beautiful, wonderful pug I have ever met. She has the softest black hair and the cutest curly tail. Her name is Stella and I have always wanted to ask her out for Valentine’s Day but only this year I finally had the courage to confront her. And by some miracle she said yes! Stella is the most perfect pug in the world (her only flaw is that she’s best friends with Loretta) so I wanted this to be a perfect night for us. I picked her a bouquet of hosta flowers, dandelions, and weeds I stole a chicken wing out of the refrigerator for us to share. I like chicken. And I even made her a necklace of dog treat hearts (but I ate half of it by the time she arrived.)

When Stella came prancing in the front door she was even more beautiful then I remembered. She had a rose tucked behind her ear and her collar had little hearts embroidered on it. Best of all she smelled like chicken. I like chicken. We said hello by sniffing rears and then I presented to her the dog treat heart necklace and the bouquet of flowers I had picked. As I pawed her the flowers a bee flew out and headed straight for my face. It turned its pointy backside at my delicate nose and began stinging it! I whimpered and hopped around from the pain. Stella finally killed the bee with her rawhide bone and then removed it painfully from my nose. What a girl!

After I had presented Stella with the necklace and flowers we went to the kitchen to enjoy the chicken wing I had snatched from the refrigerator. We split it in half and I swallowed it on one gulp. Stella on the other paw took teeny bites of her chicken. I waited and waited for her to finish and I started to feel the need to use the bathroom. I didn’t want to be rude and leave without her finishing so I tried to hold it but very soon it was clear it needed to come out. I jumped up and ran to the back door whimpering for my humans to let me out but they must have had Valentines plans of their own because they weren’t coming. I rushed around the house desperately looking for a place to relieve myself. Finally I found a toilet. I don’t usually use them (they are for the humans) but I don’t think my humans would have been pleased if I just went on the floor. After I had finished I turned around trying to find my way back to the kitchen. Stella would probably be wondering where I had gone. I was in for a terrible surprise though when I turned around. Stella was standing right there! She had watched me poop! But why was she in the bathroom? That’s when I made an even worse discovery. I looked down and realized that I had just pooped in Stella’s water bowl! I would have turned fire-hydrant red if dogs could blush.

After the water bowl toilet incident Stella and I went to watch a romantic nature show on TV. Everything was going fine I hadn’t done anything embarrassing for 10 minutes and Stella’s cute little paw was resting on top of mine. That’s when I saw the lion on TV. It roared loudly and came running toward us. I warned Stella to stand back and that I would take care of this. Then I charged bravely at the TV. Well I thought I looked brave. What I actually ended up looking like was a dumb pug running into a TV. After I had collided with the TV my head was spinning so much I had to lie on the floor for five minutes before I could stand upright. After that Stella changed the channel so I wouldn’t suffer any more concussions that evening.

When It was time for Stella to go home I walked her to the front door and said goodbye, disappointed the Valentine’s date hasn’t been all that perfect. But what Stella did next made up for all the disasters that had happened that night. She licked me! Right on the nose where the bee stung me, then with that cute smile she does she headed out the door. After that I fainted from love and when my owners got home they thought I was dead, but that was still one of the best nights of my life.

The Keys to Making your Humans Freak Out

As you may already know we dogs find it entertaining to watch our humans mess up, get crushed by the Christmas tree, and of course my personal favorite freak out. Well the key to getting your human to entertain you by freaking out is annoying them constantly, and lucky for you you’ve come to the right place for that information.(Not to brag but I’m rather good at getting my humans into that state).

On great way to get your human to freak out is repeatedly do something they consider “Bad” like peeing on the carpet, getting on the coach without the dog cover or chewing on their brand new shoes. (You don’t only have to chew on shoes though gloves or socks will do just fine). These acts will be sure to get your human to go bananas in no time at all!

Another way to drive your humans up the wall is to hide things they really need and make it seem as if they have magically disappeared. First you must find something that is very important to your humans like a paper for work or there favorite pair of fancy shoes ( I recommend not taking anything that is extremely valuable because your humans may resort to calling the police and saying there’s been a robbery and I’m assuming you don’t want those big strangers with tasers turning your house upside down looking for a diamond ring and a guy in a bandit mask). Anyway after you have successfully gotten whatever important thing of your owners you must hide it in a place they will never look for it. For example every week I try to hide my puppy humans school library books like on the shelf were they are supposed to be ( my humans aren’t very organized). When they realize that they aren’t ready for library they totally freak out! They pull out every drawer and look under every coach and when they still can’t find it they freak out even more. You can also do this with your adult human but they may be less easy to fool. You will probably have to hide it in a place like one of the puppy humans assignment notebooks or at the bottom of their soccer trophy box in the basement. Either way the reaction from both puppy humans and adult humans is very entertaining to watch with this method.

Another great way to make your humans completely lose it is to not listen to anything they say. This method is my personal favorite but it is best applied in front of an audience so your human will feel even more embarrassed when you ignore them. I have done this many times to my girl puppy human at dog training classes. When ever she tells me to do something I just completely ignore her. What does she think I am her sheep to be herded? The only time you should listen to your humans commands is when there is a reward like treats or tummy rubs. Or when you want to show off to your dog friends like that you can jump over a two foot hurdle when your only a foot tall and definitely not built for it.

As you can see there are many wonderful methods that you can apply to your humans to make them go completely bananas. I hope you enjoy using my ways to make your humans freak out they should work on every kind of human especially the dumb ones.